2009 Year in Review

Well here we are, 2009 is finally over. I've sat here trying to write about the past year a few times, but I have nothing down. I want to let it all flow out the way I used to. Even if I don't publish this to the web, even if this review is just for me, I want to write it.
I will start with this, I've said it before, I love to laugh and I do it everyday. I am afraid that this Review could get depressing. I don't know how to avoid sounding whiny I suppose I just wont avoid it.

Maybe I should thank my parents, Ashley and Amanda, Arian, Dan, Matt, Erin, Krissy, Crystal, Abbey, Chris, Helen... but I think I will save that for another day.

I have had one hell of a year.

ok I just backspaced four paragraphs, lets try again

This year my husband left me for another woman and as a result I had to move. Soon after, I lost my job. I met a nice boy but his legal trouble added to my compounding pain. The engine in my Kia seized up making that loan difficult to pay. I was in the emergency room for the first time with a mysterious illness. My next car blew up in a freak car fire. Enjoyed managing a Halloween USA Retail Store, though it was only temporary. The death of Michael Jackson and my bearded dragon Irwin both occurred in 2009, just to add to the fun.

I have never been as low as I have been this year

but

then there is my daughter Delayna. The light of my life, my motivation and reason for continuing. She is wonderful, an amazingly compassionate and thoughtful person. She works hard in school and impresses me everyday with her knowledge and understanding. She never lets her visual impairment get in her way, she does it all. She isn't afraid to ask for help and she will tell you she can do it herself. She is always the best behaved child in any room and I receive many compliments on her kindness and vocabulary. The most beautiful, unspoiled little person; she knows we will to walk to the grocery, that she will have to carry a bag and she is happy to help. She is my friend and partner. I hid none of this from her, I let her see it all and she knows that I continued trying because she and I are in this together. We call our home 'the chicks palace'. When I finally got a car last week, she said we were 'two girls on the go'. She helped me study for my CNA exam, playing the role of the sickly patient. Delayna celebrated my triumphs and helped me laugh during my struggles. I don't know how to make you feel it as I do, it's all because of her and it's all for her and she deserves the best of everything. I am proud of my daughter and she is proud of me. No matter what this year tried to throw at me, I had that little face bouncing off the bus to look forward to.

Yes 2009 has been a difficult year but I still played with play-dough, walked my chihuahua and laughed with Delayna a little bit everyday.

The year in review

My friend JImm posted this, it just seemed to fit

When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame,
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common too.

It's a, it's a, it's a
It's a sin.

It's a sin.

Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do,
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to.

It's a sin.

At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought and word and deed
They didn't quite succeed,
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common too.

It's a, it's a, it's a
It's a sin.

It's a sin.

Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do,
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to.

It's a sin.

Father forgive me
I tried not to do it,
Turned over a new leaf
Then tore right through it.

Whatever you taught me
I didn't believe it,
Father you fought me
Cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand.

So I look back upon my life
Forever with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame,
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common too.

It's a, it's a, it's a
It's a sin.

It's a sin.

Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do,
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to.

It's a sin.

It's a, it's a, it's a
It's a sin.

It's a, it's a, it's a
It's a sin.

silently for me

I'm sitting in the railway station.
Got a ticket for my destination.
On a tour of one-night stands my suitcase and guitar in hand.
And ev'ry stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band.
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Ev'ry day's an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines.
And each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories
And ev'ry stranger's face I see reminds me that I long to be,
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Tonight I'll sing my songs again,
I'll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Silently for me

I almost told you that I loved you

You know I love it when your down on your knees
And I'm a junkie for the way that you please
You shut me up when you swallow me down
My back to the wall you're going to town

I almost told you that I loved you
Thank God I didn't cause it would've been a lie
I say the damnedest things, when you're on top of me
I almost told you that I loved you

I hate to say it but it has to be said
You look so fragile as I fuck with your head
I know it shouldn't but it's getting me off
If sex is the drug then what is the cost

I almost told you that I loved you
Thank God I didn't cause it would've been a lie
I say the damnedest things, when you're on top of me
I almost told you that I loved you

[ Papa Roach Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
I'm not the one that u want
Not the one that you need
My love is like a fucking disease
You can give me your hand
You can make your demands
I'm the hardest mother fucker to please

Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I almost told you that I loved you
Thank God I didn't cause it would've been a lie
I say the damnedest things, when you're on top of me
I almost told you that I loved you

What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do


this song feels so perfect right now. living with regret moving on. its rascall flatts I dont like them, but the words words i love words

Man In The Mirror

Man In The Mirror

Gotta make a change
For once in my life
It's gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right

As I turned up the collar on
A favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind
Pretending not to see their needs

A summer's disregard
A broken bottle top
And a one man's soul
They follow each other
On the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change, yey
Na na na

I've been a victim of
A selfish kinda love
It's time that I realize
There are some with no home
Not a nickel to loan
Could it be really pretending that they're not alone

A willow deeply scarred
Somebody's broken heart
And a washed out dream
(Washed out dream)
They follow the pattern of the wind ya' see
'Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make that change

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
(Man in the mirror, oh yeah)
I'm asking him to change his ways, yeah
(Change)
No message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make the change
You gotta get it right, while you got the time
'Cause when you close your heart
(You can't close your, your mind)
Then you close your mind

(That man, that man, that man)
(That man, that man, that man)
(With the man in the mirror, oh yeah)
(That man you know, that man you know)
(That man you know, that man you know)
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Change)
No message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself then make that change


Oh no
Oh no, I'm gonna make a change
It's gonna feel real good
Sure mon
(Change)
Just lift yourself
You know, you got to stop it yourself
(Yeah)
Oh
Make that change
(I gotta make that change today, oh)
(Man in the mirror)
You got to, you got to not let yourself, brother oh
Yeah
You know that
(Make that change)
(I gotta make that make me then make)
You got, you got to move
Sure mon, sure mon
You got to
(Stand up, stand up, stand up)
Make that change
Stand up and lift yourself, now
(Man in the mirror)
Make that change
(Gonna make that change, sure mon)
(Man in the mirror)
You know it, you know it, you know it, you know
(Change)
Make that change


~The Immortal Michael Jackson